June 2009
6 posts
Giving the people what they want.
This thing was parked at the Lorimer L train stop, waiting for your ass. Where the hell were you?
Maybe the more bizarre thing about this guy was that he undressed on the platform, revealing his normal clothing, which just happened to be the uniform of a 1950’s milkman. Complete with plastic milk jugs in a plastic container. You know, so that it was believable.
Anyway. The debate rages...
Your assumptions are correct.
Steven: so I take it you are going to see g force?
me: huh?
Steven: the movie
me: dunno it
Steven: A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.
me: ohhhh
yeah ill watch that.
Memo:
A note to my officemates on the 13th floor:
I just want you weasels to know that whichever one of you ate my Dannon Fruit on the Bottom raspberry yogurt—that I naively left in the fridge without my name Sharpie-d across the lid—I’m really upset with you. It took a lot of energy for me to get off my couch and put on pants the other night to walk those two blocks to Met Food to...
80% chance of WTF?
New York, you are killing me. You are breaking my spirit and canceling so many of my plans.
Consider the lobster.
Aside from one misguided attempt at humor by friends who took me to Red Lobster for my birthday, I’ve been sticking to my lobster ban pretty well. They’re not exactly difficult to avoid. Actually I’d say that lobsters rank fairly high on the list of things that are easy to avoid. And then yesterday I was invited to a clam/lobster cookout? bakeout? It doesn’t matter. What...
Up. Then waaay down.
You can pick up these frames at any 3-D screening of Up. Not sure why they went for the emo look when they could’ve easily pandered to everyone’s nostalgia and gone with one blue lens and one red lens. But okay. I’m not going to tell you how to do your job, Pixar. I’m only saying that the emo quotient of these glasses skyrocketed when I CRIED THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE.
May 2009
8 posts
Zomg.
Well this is pretty fucking alarming.
Discovering my superpower.
Apparently I was dreamt about the other night. A guy I only sort-of know dreamt he threw a party at which I was “drunkenly passed out or sleeping,” but obviously the former. I guess the rest of the dream-party attendees thought it was crazy that I was there, let alone unconscious, so naturally things got pretty dream-violent. Lots of “what the fuck is she doing here?” and...
He goes and goes and goes his name is Steven.
He probably has an appointment to get to. Squirrels: very busy and important creatures. Also, damn good at blending in.
First we take Manhattan.
Judging by the number of times I’ve sat alone in my apartment listening to Leonard Cohen records*, it didn’t seem wholly inappropriate that I had only one ticket to his show at Radio City Music Hall on Saturday. Despite having had my finger on the mouse the second Ticketmaster released tickets in March, it sold out in seconds and all I had to show for my eager readiness was one seat,...
This wouldn't be a problem with a Kindle.
It is getting increasingly difficult to make sure my index finger is underlining the word “stories” and not obscuring it when I’m reading this on the train.
Even this seven-year-old knows publishing is...
[the other day at Freebird]
Child: How long has this bookstore been open?
Me: Uhm, a little over five years, actually.
Child: And yet you are still open?
Me: [sigh] And yet.
WatchThis coming-to-NBC show, Community, looks effing hilarious. Joel McHale! Love that guy. And of course it’s being directed by Arrested Development alums. This pretty much ensures insta-cancellation.
April 2009
15 posts
Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.
For all your zippo chinese seashell picture kung fu shoe and suit lucky charm doll and toy kimono umbrella cars bamboo curtain and mat needs.
The Life and Times of Fennec Fox (& Sometimes...
Sometimes I post cat videos and let them go. Slinky cat from last year? Haven’t thought about him in forevs. But the fennec fox being cleaned by the cat—that shit is haunting me. So I devoted last night to some research and found this. Internet, you amaze me.
That’s the header for “Robeyta“‘s Youtube channel. She has over forty videos starring her fox and...
Boom goes the mind-a-mite.
I don’t know if you remember this, because I barely do, but there was this obnoxious kid with a TV show on MTV maybe 10 years ago. Andy Milonakis? I never watched it but it existed enough in my pop cultural world that I remember consciously wondering why anyone—even MTV—would give this kid his own show. And then I forgot about it. But then this Andy kid just released a Youtube...
Car-on-car crime.
There are two possibilities here: Either a van was raped by a truck, or a truck was raped by a van. Regardless, the end product is this thing, the Dodge A-100.
Further adventures in my decline into dementia.
I pass by this community garden pretty much every single day. I’ve sat inside of it. I’ve gone to a barbecue held there. I’ve lived down the street from it for three years. So why did I read this sign as Human Corpses Garden the other day?
Signs that this cycle of America's Next Top Model...
I was waiting for the F train at 14th Street on Friday and noticed a rat between the tracks. He was probably the size of a newborn kitten but comparisons like that don’t matter when you’re talking about rats, I guess. He was still grimy and disease-ridden, splashing around in a mud-puddle amid the discarded batteries and Metrocards next to the third rail. My first thought was, If this...
This is how you clean a fox.
This pair is pretty much unstoppable. A cat and a baby fennec fox? Yeah. Yeah they’re taking over the world. This is Pinky and the Brain but the successful version.
I like the cats singing the Nutcracker song in the background. Nice touch. Really ties the Youtube video together.
I laughed so hard I fell down.
John Mulaney’s Comedy Central Presents special finally aired last week and you missed it. Sometimes I just don’t know where your priorities lie. I mean, honestly, do you even think before you don’t DVR things?
Okay. Enough. I don’t want to fight. Watch this now.
Aka Charlie Trout.
Maybe it’s because this guy is modeling a smoking jacket, maybe it’s because I just read the news (?) of Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl getting too fat for his purple suits, but this guy on Etsy is all “I’m fat Chuck Bass.” And you know what? I believe him.
(Thanks Mad.)
Available now.
I already have, like, eight of these so I’m good for now but you—wow, you should definitely get your hands on this … this monkey-phant.
It’s a coin purse. Maybe. It’s definitely an elephant. Or a monkey. One of those. Or both. At the same time. What I am sure of is that it won’t last on Etsy for long. Shit like this is in the highest of demand. Especially in...
With scroll wheel and everything!
For the taxidermist-cum-techgeek in all of us, I present the dead computer mouse:
[via Animal NY]
Worth killing for.
Despite them living in (sort of) my neighborhood and being (sort of) my age, I haven’t been able to relate to the Real World Brooklyn cast. That is, until this scene in the season finale:
H2Oh my god, yes, yes, that feels amazing.
Madeleine: can i just tell you about a funny scene from the book i'm proofreading?
me: of course
Madeleine: so! in the book polluted water somehow turns into something almost alive, like an almost sentient creature
and our daring, rebellious young heroine is investigating late at night
me: night is for sleeping
Madeleine: and the water makes her have an organism!!!!
me: i think you mean orgasm
Madeleine: yes!
sorry - biology was on my mind
me: consider yourself tumbled
She's destined for stardom.
Is this monkey even real? Am I the only one who sees the aura around her?
This one Francois Langur (she’s fancy) negates all of the bad monkey press from earlier this year. Way to go Francois! You did it! Now let’s get you a TV show.
6'7 minus 5'0 equals you should break up.
Christina Ricci and some guy named Owen Benjamin are holding hands, and presumably getting married.
I need … I need someone to dismantle this. This must be taken apart.
Why do people insist on highlighting their own freakiness by pairing up with Equal But Opposite freaks?
March 2009
15 posts
Where the :) things are.
Well, doesn’t this look like just the best thing ever.
Dear American Airlines:
I’m flattered, really, that you regard me as some kind of biochemist who knows just how much of my body lotion to add to my contact lens solution to create the bomb that would destroy the airplane I need to fly on to get to Chicago. Seriously, I’m blushing as I type this knowing that my $65 BVLGARI (impressed, are you?) body lotion has made you so uncomfortable that the guys over in...
Simple. To the point.
Minus your insufferable tweets and status updates, LIFE magazine sums up the Internet quite nicely, no?
LIFE: Celebrities and Cats
Words I hear at work that you never hear at work.
Wereweasel
Werebadger
Werehawk
“If we went to ESPN Zone — that’s not our kind of guy. We want someone...”
– Paul Rudd (whom this tumblr is now solely about, apparently) on picking up male friends at a bar with Joel Stein from Time magazine, proving that he and I have the same taste in men, except for that “guys that seem gay” part — that I’m not so into.
Hulu, I think I love you more now.
Even with all of its convenience, I can still find something about Hulu to complain about. I know they’re trying to pound one product into my skull and my consciousness and so they show the same commercial intermittently throughout one episode, but my god, seriously, Variety, let’s have it. And then, last weekend, I was too lazy to get out bed to watch Dollhouse (it’s getting...
Where was this when I was young and stupid?
The Sci Fi Channel is rebranding itself as the Syfy Channel, in the interest of … phonetics. I’d agree with all the naysayers that this is a ridiculous move except for the fact that I pronounced “sci-fi” as “sky-fi” until the age of fourteen. True story. Since then, it seems I’m only getting dumber.
Yikes.
Patrick Swayze! Those ears. That whithered face. That Oliver Twist hat. Give the man some more, for the love of all that is Dirty Dancing, Johnny Castle is wasting away.
Protesting: Ur doin it rite.
Dear NYU students,
This is how you protest. What you were doing a few weeks ago, that was a slumber party in a student center. Anyway. Next time you want to stand up for your right to eat organic cafeteria food or whatever it is you deem so important, make sure to be 1.) A very attractive man, 2.) Climbing atop something, 3.) Smearing your poop, and 4.) NAKED.*
Love,
Linda
(#4 only necessary...
Linda, FTW.
Highlight of my week? Probably.
Daylight savings. This Sunday. 2am. BE THERE.
On Sunday we turn our clocks back forward. Nevermind this little blizzard we had a few days ago, it is a well known fact that Daylight Savings Time is the harbinger of springtime. Thusly, all the wintertime music has to retire. Here are 16 songs that I can not bear to listen to anymore, given their association with “freezing” and “melancholy” and “reclusivity.”...
Rodents are doing things I am afraid to do.
Twiggy waterskis. And he is THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD. And I cannot decide which of these two facts is more shocking. (And by “years” I don’t mean “squirrel years.” This guy was born in 1978.)
Related:
This is now a thing that exists for sale in New York.
Will someone please please shut this down?
“A thousand sad nerd monkeys typing on a thousand sad nerd typewriters for a...”
– Gabe Delahaye of Videogum on an unlikely scene in Friday Night Lights
Help.
I’ve been trying to figure this out for longer than I care to admit.
It’s cold ?? down here ?? in Orlando, Florida.
Mug?? MUG?! Maybe this is rhyming slang?
And by the way, it’s 58 fucking degrees in Orlizzo, Real Shaq. It’s 26 in NY and I’m wearing two pairs of pants. (If you tell me to join Twitter to tell The Real Shaq directly, I will bite you.)
The stuff of dreams.
I went to Barcade last night for the first time. In theory this place is enjoyable, but in practice, I am none to good at arcade games. My mind is too one-track-ish. I can handle the shooting at things but am completely oblivious to the things being shot at me. It’s frustrating.
Regardless, I played a game called Rampage, which was described to me as: “You are either a giant monkey or...
February 2009
25 posts
If loving you is wrong, it's probably because...
The New York Times has a rather lengthy article on pet monkeys. Which I thought we had addressed ages ago with the Primetime special on “monkids”, but I guess Travis (that bastard, ruining it for everyone) has us looking at all this monkey-owning in a different light.
Read “My Monkey, My Self” and meet Bob and Carlie. They’re longtime partners and seem to agree on...
Stop getting dressed in the dark. It's...
Clearly I have no problem with posting pictures of strangers on the subway and then pointing/laughing at them from behind my computer screen. Clearly I am okay with that arrangement. I mean, thank god for cameraphones, amirite??
I only wish I had had the quick catlike skills to have whipped out my phone to take a photo of the junkie lady smoking a cigarette on a rush hour F train last week....
Brooklyn, seasonally.
It is unseasonably warm today. A welcome change from the freeze-your-face-off wind earlier this week. The changes in weather here are abrupt and sometimes cruel but I will always appreciate that New York has actual seasons. Winter is fucking wintry. Summer is crazy hot. And so on / so forth.
Here’s Brooklyn in the winter.
Here it is in summer.
Flag this. Flag this now.
A handy rule of thumb for posting on Craigslist: don’t, seriously don’t, use the same photos for posting a room/share as you once (I can only assume) used for posting a casual encounter.
$975 *Two bdrms cost 975* Lrg 3 bdrm, gorgeous views, communal living (Carroll Gardens Smith Street)
*SHOWING SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2009* (PICTURES WERE TAKEN OF ME IN THE APT AND NOT OF THE APT, FYI...
The Future is :(
(via, uh, I don’t know, everyone? I guess.)
I saw this, I thought of you.
Hey, I found a jacket for you. It’s made of velvet. And unicorns.
Go on, don’t be shy. Buy this. You deserve it.
Etsy: Velvet Unicorn Bolero